I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize
