Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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