If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
