Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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