Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
