i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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