I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
