If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm just crazy horny about you
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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