i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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