To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
