I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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