Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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