i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
