I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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