Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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