I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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