mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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