Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize