I just saw a hot homeless man
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
