At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize