Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
