More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
