I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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