this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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