so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
