i jhust puked up my retainher.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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