So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
