The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
