You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
