If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
