i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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