Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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