DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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