News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
