Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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