she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
