I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
