John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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