Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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