i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
