party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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