omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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