Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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