You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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