none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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