he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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