So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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