i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
