well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
