i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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