Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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