Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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