I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
