But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
