life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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