I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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