That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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