i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
